Sunday, May 3, 2009

Watch out for the Penis Snatcher!

… cause sans pénis is a sad way to be.

In addition to the witchcraft I’ve previously mentioned in Mokolo, I’ve just learned that penis snatching has become all the rage these days. Somehow, (as usual though) I’m the last one to have caught on to this trend. PCVs from all over the North of the country have been hearing about missing peni for months now! Nobody knows for sure where it started, but I’ve heard both Nigeria and Chad. (Always blame the foreigners. At least the Etats-Unis is staying out of this one.)

In one nearby village a fellow volunteer, while walking down the street, has been taken aside by villagers who warn him earnestly, “Mr. Adam, be careful who you shake hands with, they might try to steal your penis!” For now, Adam remains with penis intact. Somehow, it’s through the handshake that the thief makes the snatch. Since Cameroonians shake hands as the standard greeting for anyone and everyone, this is pretty troublesome.

A doctor from another village in the Extreme North explained to me that when the “penis-less” come in to be examined, the member in question is, in fact, fully intact, but somehow, as though through some type of psychological blockage, the guy just doesn’t believe his penis is there anymore. So the doctor signs an attestation that junior is still down there, and sends the poor guy on his way. It seems moreso that what gets stolen is “the essence of the penis.”

In one PCV’s village, a supposed thief was nearly lynched for penis-abducting crimes, and another was severely beaten. In yet another town, the case was taken all the way to court. The plaintiff was asked to prove his penis-less-ness. Again, the member in question was fully intact. But somehow the accused guy was still found guilty! The plaintiff had claimed that his penis no longer worked, that he couldn’t make love to women. So the thief did a short stint in jail.

In still a third town, one of my friends who is a teacher was warned about these incidents. Since she’s a woman, though, she was told she didn’t have to worry, no one steals the vagina, as they “don’t keep well.” We pondered on this… “Spoils easily when removed from original container…??” At least I’m safe for now.

Finally in another town just up the road from me, it’s gone to yet another extreme. The penis is associated with a man’s wealth. So, as urine passes through the penis, so does wealth. Therefore, guys are scared of peeing onto the ground as is usually done, cause all his wealth and urine will seep over into Nigeria, and he’ll end up poor! (Do the Nigerians even know they’re getting rich off of this?) Sooooo, guys instead pee into plastic bottles these days, and keep the bottles who knows where. I haven’t seen any bottles floating around my neighborhood yet, but, I’m not drinking any lemonade any time soon.

Til next time, friends, keep those magical organs safe!


NathanHill said...


I'm just speechless.

Kate Fleurange said...

Well at least you've got your penis.

courtneyb said...

There are penis snatchers in Uganda too! Amazing how they get around and snatch so many peni the world over...

mabsfominyen said...

What a story!